Miss Atomic Bomb
by NovaStars42
Summary: May is home again,this time with an ex-con as a house guest. She struggled to get through life before in her world and things remain unchanged after her return. Why does the world move around her, but she only seems to stay in one place? Where is her true self and whats missing from her life that makes her so unhappy? !postcannon!postwarDeidara(non canon personality)[Set in an AU]
1. Chapter 1

I shot up, my eyes wide and darting across the room. I sucked in a breathe rapidly, again and again, almost hyperventalating as I tried to react, wait a second, I paused while my chest heaved, I realized I was a dreaming.

"I'm right here," A voice came, I turned my head.  
Deidara, my boyfriend was with me, on the sofa opposite the one I'd fallen asleep on, sculpting some nonexplosive clay and watching television. He ate flavored potato chips by the truck load these days. I lay back silently and watched him, eyes still wide. He shoveled chips into his mouth with his left hand, his right hand on the sculpture, and his eyes locked on me. His mouths on his palms had unfortunately not made the trip with us.  
"He have you again?" came his voice calm and almost soft. I nodded. Ever since my return, I'd been having a horrible reoccurring dream about Madara. About him slitting my throat just like he had done to my friend, the king of the summoning deer. All I could do was struggle and scream, not one ever came to help.  
"These movies are amazing," Deidara commented as the credits rolled. We'd been sitting in my living room for two weeks, watching movie after movie, only really moving to eat a meal, sometimes with my parents, or sleep in my bed.  
"Yeah, I don't like the cheesy ones so much," I replied very dryly. That was evident as I'd clearly fallen asleep during the film. I knew he was just trying to get my mind of it.

"Do you wanna go somewhere tonight yeah?" He asked, another movie was starting and he was again glued to the screen like a three year old. I didn't get it. They had TV back where he came from, I supposed he just never had time to watch it. On the other hand, it was sort of nice though, he'd learned so much in such a short time being here with the aid of the TV.  
"Maybe we should go," I paused to think, taking an extra second to calm down a little more. We'd already been to the movie theater and the mall this week,where else could be fun? "We could just go out to eat and go from there," I decided. He didn't say anything.  
It was almost as surreal as when I'd fallen into the alternate universe. Deidara was still here, he was still my boyfriend, and we were living with my parents. My mom and dad had been completely against it, they didn't want this strange and possibly mentally deranged twenty something year old in their home, much less sharing a room and bed with their still teenage daughter but I insisted, telling them I couldn't bare to be without him, and even then they refused to allow it. We did it anyway without their okay.

I didn't blame them after the story we'd told the authorities. His post ninja war moodiness did not help with his case. They both had mixed emotions about him, my mother hated him, and she'd go out of her way to stay away from him. She hid in her room mostly until my dad came home, and then we'd go upstairs after dinner at her request. My father liked Deidara though, he'd laugh and joke with him even, and they got along really well thankfully.

My mother descended the stairs and without speaking slipped on a pair of sandals and walked out the front door. She was gone long enough to walk to the end of the drive, get the mail and walk back.  
"You got your GED, uh, Deidara," she said flipping through mail. I hated how my mom pronounced his name. No matter how many times I corrected her she still pronounced it wrong. She threw the manilla envelope on the coffee table in front of him and continued with her own mail.  
"Thanks Karen," he said picking it up. She couldn't even stand him enough to hand it to him. I was thankful he ignored all of her mean spirited remarks and actions.  
"I'm proud of you," I beamed, getting up and moving to sit next to him as he opened it. We never told anyone he got all his smarts from the ninja academy. He'd picked up English extremely quickly in addition to what he was learning on the television and his skills in math and science boosted his final test grade. He returned the smile and pulled out the certificate. He held it in his left hand which was now chip crumb free, which he had whipped on his pants, and wrapped his right hand around me and pulled me close.

"Now you can go to collage," My mom stated from the kitchen where she was leaning over the table writing a check. I wasn't sure who she directed that at. I refused to sign up when I returned because Deidara couldn't go with me. Deidara couldn't go because he didn't have a diploma.

"Yeah," I shot back. She wasn't about to take that tone with me, "Yeah we can," I put an extra emphasis on we.

"I don't know how you think were going to put him though collage," she said, standing up straight and walking to the stove. I sighed.

"I don't know, its not like my dad is a doctor or anything, and you know, its not like he can apply for federal aid or get a grant or something," I replied, just to see how far I could push her before she got angry.

She turned and gave me a look and was about to open her mouth when I heard front door open. My eye went to the clock, five meant my dad was home. I could hear nails clicking against our hard wood floors, our German Shepard, ironically named Shep, was the first to great my dad.

"Hello family!" My dads voice chimed. I scooted away from Deidara a little, but left his arm around my middle.

"Hi dad!" I smiled as his bearded face came around the corner from the entryway. He crossed the floor, Shep on his heels, jumping and barking all the way until a hand on his head quieted him. He reached the kitchen after giving our dog some attention and wrapped his arms around my mother, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Lets go," I said to Deidara, looking away from them and getting up off the couch and stretching a bit. I felt like I'd been sitting in this living room for days, oh wait, I had been.

"Go get ready, I gotta have a talk with junior here," I turned to see my dad walking towards us. He didn't look angry, I looked to Deidara who didn't seem worried.

"Go ahead," my dad assured with a smile, "I'm not gonna beat him up," I was sort of hesitant to leave, but turned and walked away anyway.

I ascended the stairs and opened the door to my bedroom, the one Deidara and I currently shared. Cloths were thrown across the floor, a layered mess of dark cloth, jeans and t-shirts, blouses and socks. Dumb knickknacks, ones I'd bought and ones he'd made lay on every flat surface. It looked very lived in, everything of his mixed with mine. It was disorganized, mostly dirty, and perfect, all at the same time.

I dressed quickly, pulling on a deep purple scarf on and throwing on a little make up for good measure. When I came back down, Deidara had my coat in his hand, and his own on. I was a little taken back, Deidara hadn't ever done anything like this for me before, maybe they had done something strange. I didn't say anything, just took my coat and grabbed my car keys from the pocket.

I drove my dads old car, and by old, I mean only a few years old. Being a doctor, if he wanted a new car he got one. It was black on the outside, and silverish leather lined the inside. I didn't know the make or model, I didn't much care. I pulled from our driveway before Deidara was even buckled in.

"You seem off un," he stated, his tone sounding . That was the only thing I hated about relationships. You never let anything that was bothering you go, at least we didn't.

"Yeah, I don't know, I'm just sort of," I paused, using a highway ramp as an excuse to think, "I'm sick of everything," I concluded. He knew that though. I'd known him for about a week when I told him that. I had liked his world better, and I had wanted to stay, but I was too caught up in the moment of the world ending to think. It was easier just to bring Deidara with me.

"Your dad gave me a hundred dollar bill," Deidara said ,shifting and pulling a crisp green bill from his pocket. I looked over for a moment, and then back to the road.

"No way," I said, a bit astonished. It wasn't like him to give out money like that. He usually gave just enough cash to go do whatever we wanted to do and gas to get there, too much money was an excuse to keep us out all night. Being a typical dad he wanted his daughter home early.

"He said to take you somewhere nice," He reached his arm over to lay the money on my lap. I could hear the smirk in his voice, "Lets go get booze,"

As tempting as that was, I needed to drive us home.

"Ain't you gonna buy me dinner first?" I asked, using my best stuck up, nagging girlfriend voice. It always made him smile.

"Sure,"

I smirked and glanced over at him, just 'sure' huh? I got an idea to take us to the most unhealthy restaurant in town, and quickly got over in the right hand lane to get on the off ramp. The quick reduction in speed had Deidara clutching the arm rest on the door. He still wasn't really used to cars, it wasn't the speed that bothered him, it was more the fact he couldn't control his own movement.

I made several turns after getting off the highway, finally pulling into a local restaurant chain called 'fry 'ems,' which sold of all kinds of fried food in small quantities so a person could order lots. Seating ourselves in the middle of the restaurant, a waiter was soon with us.

"One order of onion rings, two orders of mozzarella sticks, a plate of chicken, uh, french frys, uh, an onion blossom too maybe, and uh, maybe a plate of oreos?" I asked, the waiter just nodded. He actually looked a bit impressed, yes, the portions were small, but not that small. That was a lot of food for two people! He was gone in an instant. I stirred my drink with my straw.

"Do you miss home?" I asked a bit absentmindedly.

"Not really hm," I didn't figure so. He could finally relax, no longer being a wanted criminal. I missed his home. I missed the care free, nomadic life, however hard and dangerous it might have been. I missed Aki. I probably wouldn't see him again, ever. That disturbed me, almost as much as pushing that homeless man though the portal so Deidara could stay. I had to think fast at that point, it was either that or the world explode. I didn't know if that man had family, I didn't know if he was caring for another person, or anything about him, just selfishly pushed him.

Yes it closed the portal, yes it saved the world, yes Deidara was still here, but it ate at me. Was the selfish sacrifice I made for me or for the world? It stopped the world ending but only because I caused it. I tried to get myself to believe that he was doing better in that world. He could have a fresh start, possibly a better life, or he could have also been crushed in the falling building.

"What cha thinken' about un?" Deidara's voice snapped me back to he real world.

"Nothing, uh, the usual, how do you deal with.." I trailed off, he hadn't gone though exactly the same thing I had, however he'd seen death, he'd killed in fact, and he never acted like it bothered him.

"I just don't think about it," he said simply, and pulled out a pen and flipped his napkin over. He was going to try to distract me again, "Look at this, do you have a pen?"

I shook my head and looked around. A pen had been left on top of a bill folder that people placed their credit cards and money into to pay. I got up and grabbed it.

"Alright so, I always thought your name was Mei, M-E-I," he drawlled, spelling the letters and writing them in the english alphabet, and then wrote them again in his lettering, the curvy other world language, Japanese maybe, I wasn't sure if it was different.

"But your name is really May, M-A-Y," he said a bit faster this time, again writing my name in english and then Japanese, "but May, M-A-Y, isn't part of our language, its english, but you can use the month's name, Satsuki, which you can use as a given name too. Isn't that cool?" He explained as he write Satsuki in english for me. He then pushed it over to me so I could have a look.

"Yeah," I agreed, looking it over. That was so long and complicated, I couldn't help but stare at the napkin and try and make sense of it all. What a wonderful distraction. I let the name 'Satsuki' ghost over my lips. What a beautiful name.

"Don't you think its funny that we speak the same language but couldn't read each others writing?" I asked, pushing the napkin back to him as the food came. He nodded and waited until the staff left before responding with,

"Alternate universes, am I right?" as he got an extra plate they'd brought and started picking food off of the larger plates. I smiled and did the same. The rest of dinner was spent relatively silent. Three plates later, I was feeling a bit sorry I'd done eaten so much. Deidara gave them the hundred and they brought back change and boxes.

We were back in the car in no time, speeding off to the corner party store. Deidara had a state identification that came with his package of important things from the government and with it, being of legal age, he could buy us as much coconut rum as we had money for. He did just that, returning with a large bag full of gummy bears, two medium sized bottles of rum and a two litter of cherry cola. It was only seven thirty when we headed home.

Deidara was the first in the house, taking our bag of party favors upstairs, while I stayed down stairs and talked with my parents, gave my dad back his money and just ran general diversion. After putting away the restaurant food , I left for my room with a DVD.

Deidara already had our drinks ready, and putting in the movie, I lay back on the bed with him. I took my first drink, still feeling a bit bloated from the food, and sighed. The lamp on the other side of the room was broken, giving the room a romantic sort of lighting. It was quiet, very quiet for a long time. The cheesy movie had just started to get good.

"What are you thinking about un?" He asked, I could hear the straw sipping up the last of the liquid in the cup, and he got up momentarily to pour himself another, using far more rum than cola.

"Not a lot, you?" I responded, leaning back further into the pillows of my two person bed.

"I dunno, its just been one hell of a life, you know?" he drawled, coming back to lay with me. He gently wrapped his arm around my middle and kissed my cheek. He smelled like rum and as I moved my head to look him in the eyes, I found he tasted like rum as well as he gently kissed my lips. His lips worked against mine, my hands meet his jawline on either side of his head as he snaked his arms further around me to pull me closer. Where his drink had gone I didn't know but mine was tipping with the angle until finally the cup bent and the mixed drink spilled all down the front of me.

"Shit," I swore as he pulled away from my mouth, a sly smirked played across his lips. He'd planned it that way all along. He helped me pull the material over my head and nearly crushed me against the bed as he dove back in for more kisses.


	2. Chapter 2

My eyes flicked open and I had the sudden urge to get myself a drink. Getting up, I couldn't remember where I'd fallen asleep, but this certainly wasn't my room. I didn't stand around and think about it long, my throat was literally burning from thirst. I made haste in opening the door and walking down the strange hallway to find a bathroom. This place was filled with door after door, each opened to only reveal a large king sized bed with purple sheets.

Finally I came to a well lit bathroom, a toilet faced me and a sink was on my left. I turned grabbed a purple cup that sat on the back of the toilet and quickly ran cold water into it. I brought it to my lips and greedily drank. The burn in my throat cooled, a nice warm feeling washed over me, well mostly down my front. Bringing the cup down, my eyes meet the mirror and I found it was not just a feeling of warmth, but my own hot blood was coating the front of me. My neck was bleeding, my throat was slit ear to ear and I was bleeding, down in long tendrils. Suddenly water burst from the wound, only diluting the thick blood as it washed further down my body.

In the mirror behind me then, I noticed a pair of eyes, red with spinning tomes, I did the only thing I could think to do, scream.

Terror gripped me as my eyes flashed open, I was still screaming. Adrenaline rushed though my veins and my brain was literally too numb to think to stop. A pair of pale arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a sitting position and I realized Deidara was pulling me to his chest. Fear again wracked me as I let out yet another scream, I couldn't stop myself.

"Stop it May! Its okay, I've got you, your safe!" He slowly rocked me as he squeezed my frame. My wide eyes watched the door fly open, light flooded the room, my father standing there with my mother behind him.

"He had me, oh my god, he had me, oh my god," I repeated over and over, the words spilling out of my mouth. My body started to shake wildly, Deidara only squeezed harder.

"No he didn't May, I've been here the entire time and he never had you hm, its okay, calm down," my boyfriend soothed.

"Sweet heart, I'm here," my dad crossed the room and sat near me on the edge of the bed. Deidara pulled the blanket up to cover my still exposed chest. He'd probably be hearing abut that tomorrow. I was still wide eyed and gasping for air when finally I regained myself. As the oxygen got to my brain, I felt sort of light headed, what had I just been doing?

"Better now un?" he asked very softly, nuzzling me. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Yes," I croaked, my throat a bit sore from the shrieking. I thought I heard him whisper 'good' but I couldn't be sure.

"Sam, come on, I think she's okay," My mother called from the doorway, using a very soft voice. My dad gave me a concerned look and got up. He kissed the top of my head before he left. Deidara never let go of me, not for several more minutes when finally I thought I could move. The terror had worked its way out of my system. I wiggled out of his arms and turned on a nearby lamp.

"That was so.."I trailed off. So many words rushed to my lips, scary, terrifying, horrendous, real, but I did not speak any of them. Dei held on to my hand. As I looked back at him, I noticed the bags under his eyes.

"Have you been up all night?" I asked, touching his face lightly with my free hand.

"Yeah," he smiled weekly. That was all, yeah.

"Why?" I asked simply.

" I can't sleep," he responded in the same way. That was clear. I figured he must have been used to sleeping with one eye open, but I wondered now in the sort of relaxed feel of my world how he was fairing. I'd never noticed until now that he never slept well.

"Is it like insomnia?" I asked, pausing before the I word came out of my mouth like bad news.

"Its not like I don't sleep at all, just not always so well," He explained. I hugged him and then pulled him back down to the bed so we faced each other laying on our sides.

"Lets stay up all night," I suggested. At this point I was so awake and so uninterested in going back to sleep, it sounded like a plan. He was up for a moment, grabbing the rum from under the bed and sat back down, leaning on the headboard. I joined him and we took turns taking long swigs off of the bottle. I loved the way rum tasted. I refused to touch anything else. It was almost sweet in the way it bit back at you when you swallowed.

"Dei, do you ever think about," I paused to take a swig, "That guy," I passed him the bottle, feeling more than little buzzed now.

"No, and you probably shouldn't either," he responded after swallowing his drink and thinking for a moment. I shouldn't think about it. I shouldn't let it bother me, but sometimes it plagued my mind like nothing else.

What I didn't know then is that Deidara lied to me far more often than he told the truth, he did sort of miss home, and he did think about that homeless man sometimes, though his thoughts were much more concerned with keeping the facade up and memories from wartime. Sure, he loved to bomb and kill people, but you can only see so many dead bodies and feel warm blood spill on your hands so many times.

We continued to chat idly about simple, stupid things until my mother rousted us around nine. She came into the room, opened my shade and left commanding us to get up as she left the room and the door open. The empty rum bottle had found its way under the pillows somehow and a shirt found its way over my bare chest, so we avoided a lecture there. Who cared if the sun was warm, I had a head ache and a hangover.

"Dei," I groaned, moving my head from his chest.

"Hmm?" he responded in much the same tone.

"That wasn't such a good idea," I comments, frowning and getting up to grab a jacket. I knew if I had to get up I wasn't going to be warm for so much longer. Fall was upon us. The leaves would begin to change and my birthday was just around the corner. I mused on eighteen as Deidara got up, bringing the blanket with him.

We made our way silently down the stairs and seated ourselves at the dinning room table. My father was reading the paper across from me, Deidara to my left on the same side. My mom came from the kitchen after a few moment with a plan and passed out simple omelets out on starched white plates that were already set out. She sat down next to my dad.

Cooking is what my mother did best. Everything was quick but extravagant, reminiscent of her collage years where she went to become a chef before marrying my father. She was a home maker now. Hash browns joined the omelets on the plate.

"Thanks mom," I said sort of flatly as she finally sat down. I wasn't sure how long she'd been awake for to make this, but I didn't . She didn't answer, we all just sort of dig in.

"So, May," my mother started half way though the meal. I looked up, of course she was going to start into an argument already this morning, "Have you been thinking about what your gonna sign up for collage for? Maybe just your basics at the community collage, you don't have to go off to a university right away,"

I narrowed my eyes at her. I supposed with Deidara's papers finally here, it was time to start thinking about it, but truth be told, I didn't want to. I didn't want to go to collage and that was a simple fact.

"May what in the world is wrong with you? Why all of a sudden you don't care whats gong on, you don't care about your future?" My mother accused, "Ever since he started hanging around, your absorbed into all of his shit? Ever since you got back, you've become a different person!"

I was about to turn around and snap at her, but there was no need.

"You know what Karen," Deidara started, a fire behind his grey irises, "I can't understand why you have such a problem with me. We've been though more in three weeks than you have in three months. We saved each others lives and all you can think about is how she changed? Can't you understand what happened to your daughter?"

Mom mother looked flabbergasted, but Deidara continued to tear into her, his voice getting louder and his tone angrier.

"You can't push her so hard!"

"Don't you talk to me like that! You live in my house!" My mother cut him off, but stopped as Deidara beat his hand down on the table.

"Don't you talk to me like a nuisance!" Suddenly the table was flying over, plates clattered and shattered, the left over food splattering on the floor and a broken table leg lay about four feet away from the mess. Deidara stood a shaking wreck over it all. We all stood frozen, he was ridged, it was as if I was watching this all happen from third person. The four of us still in our spots, three of us still sitting down. Deidara's muscles tensed and then relaxed as he took a single deep breathe.

"You useless rat, I bet your mother was a whore and you made up all that shit you told to the cops, my god, this is a civil house hold," My mother continued. I cringed, she shouldn't have done that. I averted my eyes, litterally covering my eyes, but I didn't hear anything for a long time and then I heard another crash. I looked up then, and around the room only to find the blond bomber with his fist though a window. Considering his super ninja strength, he had no problem busting it into a million peaces.

My mother stormed off and Deidara mocked her, shortly after she was out of our sight walking out the front door and slamming it behind him. My mother climbed the stairs and I didn't hear another thing.

"You've got to tell her to leave him alone!" I insisted, "Dei is helping me so much, and she treats him like trash! Its not his fault I-" my father held up his hand to silence me.

"I'll talk to your mother, but you should have a talk with him too...Tell him i'll be out in a minute to see about his hand," My father said collecting the broken table leg and then throwing it on the pile with a shrug. He climbed the stairs shortly after, I assume to comfort my mother. I went to look for Deidara.

It wasn't hard. The blonde haired ex con was sitting on the front steps, a void look on his face. He was sort of hunched over, watching the cars pass by. I sat down next to him. I didn't say anything and I didn't touch him. I just let us be.

"I didn't used to be like this," he said after a few minutes, "before I left the village, I guess I used to be normal, it was all about my art, they didn't appreciate it at all there, my mother didn't understand, the Akasuki didn't appreciate it either, and after I...you know, I didn't matter anymore."

I reached over and put my hand on his knee. We made eye contact, and I think that was all the encouragement he needed, because he continued talking.

"Like I said, nothing mattered anymore, except surviving. And then you came, and everything changed. I feel so much, I was taught not to feel, and now, now, my head is a mess."

I tried to evaluate what he was telling me. The only thing in his life worth meaning had been lost, and I assumed he felt sort of numb until I showed up to confuse him. I brought him to this new work. I didn't know it yet but any stability he had regained from his younger years was leaving him again.

"Lets go for a ride," I suggested, but he just shook his head no. We sat for a while longer until my father came out with some rubbing alcohol, tweezers, and a few packs of gauze. When your dads a doctor, it comes with more props than money. Deidara didn't flinch as my dad worked. Because of his tolerance, it only lasted a few minutes.

"Tomorrow I want you guys to go down to the collage and sign up," My father instructed, and left us. I didn't see either of them the rest of the night as I helped Deidara clean up the glass and what was left of our table. I figured out a way to keep it standing with a hot glue gun, but it wouldn't support any weight.

I went to bed that night and had my nightmares, as usual, Deidara didn't sleep, as usual, and our lives continued. It was our normal.

* * *

Sorry about the long wait you guys, I' m graduating in less than nine days and I'm a little jittery and busy. Sorry if this isn't all up to par.


	3. Chapter 3

Deidara and I were out the door the next morning before my mother had even began to think about getting up. It was still dark when we arrived at a fast food joint for breakfast. Much to our disdain they hadn't began serving breakfast yet, so we settled for a large fry and a couple of small hamburgers. We did manage, however, to get ourselves some orange juice as I took us down to the community collage.

Orientation was a bore, and the placement testing literally made me want to rip my hair out. My entire trip was trying to decide if I wanted to take on the hard classes, or wanting to get myself placed lower, and have an easier time, but waste more money that Dei probably needed to get himself though. I knew for sure no matter how smart he was in the other world, he was probably still below average here. Finally finished, I threw down my pencil, I tried my best to just answer the way an 'average' person would.

We were waiting even longer at the collage that day to see what the score was, and then finally, after spending all day, We were given out schedules. I bawked to see I had not a single class with Deidara. We were lucky, yes, to have all our classes on the same days, but for not a single hour would we be in the same room. I asked for a change, but was denied. That wasted another hour. I wasn't so much mad, just frustrated. Very Frustrated.

I'd left Deidara sitting in a lobby of sorts, but when I returned he was looking very nervous and standing next to a large window. I wondered if he'd had a flash back or something else traumatic happened, but when I came to him he only shushed me. I asked again, I wasn't in the mood to be hushed.

"He's Sasori," Deidara spoke softly as the red head I noticed in front of us stared foreword. A mellow expression harbored on his face, his chocolate eyes looked almost cloudy with boredom because of the shear dullness of this place. I smirked a little, he probably felt like I did. I didn't know how long Dei had been freaking out or how long his red haired stranger had been here, or even if he spoke to him, But I thought maybe I should keep them away from each other.  
"What do you mean?" I finally asked in a whisper, he simply set his jaw. It took him until class was over and we were in the car to come up with an answer.  
"He's Sasori's spitting image un," he spoke, using large hand motions as he almost yelled over the barely audible radio. His hands fell to his lap with a slap and he sighed. Pushing his bangs further to the side of his face, he brought his hand up to support his chin as he leaned on the door. Deidara had never mentioned much about the Akatsuki. He never mentioned much about his past unless specifically asked and even then he gave the bare minimum. I did know though, Sasori was the poison master and puppet man that was Deidara partner before Tobi. I also knew Sasori was long gone.  
"Deidara, I don't… Think that's possible, the portal closed and isn't he… You know, dead?" I pointed out but instead of reasoning with me, it just set him off.  
"Do you think I don't fucking know that? It doesn't matter what happened there though, he's here, do you not have eyes? Did you not see him?" His voice got louder and angrier as he spoke.  
"Why are you yelling at me?" I asked sort of meekly, afraid he would continue. As I stopped at a red light, I looked over at him. I wasn't sure what my face looked like, but it got a reaction from him. The anger seemed to melt away. He looked down, and I looked back to the road as I stepped on the gas. Dei was getting worse, emotionally. Set on edge about everything and I couldn't help think it was to do with me. It was me after all he was protecting for such a long time, me after all that was kidnapped. I wondered if he too was experiencing culture shock just like I had in his world. He seemed to be settling in perfectly.

When we arrived home, it wasn't much better.

A man was sitting on our sofa when we walked though the door, my father sitting in a chair on his right, and he urged us to sit down across from this stranger. My mother was nowhere to be found.

"May, this is Doctor Kentsworth, I work with him at the hospital and I asked him to come visit today," My father motioned for us to sit down. Deidara like the soldier he was sat down without argument, but I was sort of weary. He was strange to me and not once had my father ever brought a friend over to our house.

"Come on," My father urged, and finally I sat down, taking Deidara had up in mine as Dr. Kenstworth began to speak. He was a kindly looking old man, black hair that was more salt than pepper, with a beard to match. He was a fat man, dressed in slacks but a relaxed looking polo shirt, like was was a work or something, just without the white lab coat.

"I just came to ask you both some questions, I'm a psychologist," Kensworth explained, "It seems you two have been thought quite an ordeal and I'd like to use it for my reaserch, its purely confidential. Care to tell me about it? I'm going to ask quite a few very privet questions," As a couple, we did not answer. I didn't want him prying at our cover up, but it was too late.

"I see, well, Deidara," dr. Kentsworth said very quicly as he wrote something down. He said his name a little funny, but it wasn't as bad as my mom, "did you ever witness your father rape your mother?"  
I could believe he'd just asked that! My eyes were wide, and I was abut to tell him not to answer but Deidara made eye contact with me just as I opened my mouth and I took that as he wanted to answer. I saw what this was about now. My dad told Kentsworth everything. My dad thought there was something mentally wrong with him if not me too and that alone made me want to get up and scream, but that would not help the case.

Clearing his throat, his voice shook as he responded. I could tell this was more than a lie now. Deidara was not goin to treat this as a lie, he was taking from his own life now.  
"Not.. Not exactly but, we weren't unhappy when he went away hm," he was being vague, and I was surprised the doctor didn't make him elaborate.  
"And did you ever happen to see him physically… Abuse her or cause extensive harm to her?" He asked not looking up from his note pad.  
"I saw blood, a lot of blood, very often, if that's what your asking," Deidara's eyes darted around the room and he looked more than bothered. I took his hand, clasping it in my two, only to find it cold and clammy. This distressed me too. I hated seeing him like this. I hated that I didn't know the truth, his truth.  
Suddenly he tensed up, freezing and then relaxed again. I wondered if he was having flash backs.  
"Well, if you don't mind now I'd like to ask May a few questions," Dr. Kentsworth motioned for my father to leave the room, I was puzzled for a moment, but I supposed that whatever he thought happened at my kidnappers house was too much, when the truth was I was with Deidara. "May, I've come to understand you were in his mothers situation for some time. I'm going to be quite blunt with this, were you ever raped?"  
I took a moment before shaking my head no. He wrote something else down.  
"But you were also hurt physically?" I followed his gaze to the scar on my arm.  
"Yes,"  
"And are you still afraid he might come back?"  
This wasn't about a story anymore, this was about Madara. I shook my head yes and that was the truth. I was deathly afraid Madara would return. He rose a few moments later after writing something down. Has asked one more question, if the both of us slept alright,which Dei answered for us, a simple no. Dr. Kentsworth said good bye to my father and they talked a few minutes. I never saw him again but two large bottles of prescription medicine appeared on the table the next morning.  
"What's this?" I asked stupidly. Dr kentsworth was a psychologist and clearly this is our anti-psychotic medicine. There was no research at all. My dad left the room quickly and my mother said nothing. I looked to Deidara who was starting down the pill bottle like a rattlesnake. My eyebrows furrowed in anger, I could feel my stomach twist out in knots of infuriating frustration.  
My hand gripped his arm and I yanked him to the bathroom, the bathroom upstairs next to our room, pills still in hand and impatient of the time it took to get there. I tore open the childproof lock and began dumping the pills on my hand.  
"What are you doing un?" He asked, his eyes sort of bewildered.  
"what's it look like I'm doing? I'm flushing these. This is nonsensical bullshit, I'm not taking them, we're not sick. we don't need medicine," I insisted but as I went to throw the pills into the toilet, his larger hand griped mine.  
"I think you should keep them hm," he said quietly, "besides, if you flush them all now wont your parents know you aren't taking them?"  
He had a point. Reluctantly I slowly pushed the pills back in the bottle resealed the cap. He left me then to go who knows where, and I had time to myself. Sitting down on our bathtub, I got thinking.

I was angry with myself. I'd been roped into Kenstworth's talk, I didn't stick to the story, I let myself drift back to a scared little kidnapped girl, and now I was 'sick.' If I could have just kept up the charade, if I could have lied better. Sighed my thoughts moved back to Deidara. I was sure he wasn't not just talking about his time as a ninja when he spoke of blood earlier when the doctor asked. That would help explain why Deidara's mother was so jumpy around the blonde bomber, it wasn't just she feared her son, she feared men. Again my thoughts drifted, this time, to my friends.

Jenny the swimmer came to mind right away, Jenny who helped me meet Deidara, Jenny who had been calling since I'd returned home but I never bothered to even touch a phone. I decided to call her. I rose then, and picked up a phone off of the table in our upstairs hallway before walking to my bedroom and throwing myself on the messy bed. For minutes I couldn't bring myself to dial the number. When I finally did I was so afraid I almost hung up. What if I was different? What if she was afraid to talk to me now after my 'ordeal' and was just calling to be friendly.

"Hello? May?" I heard jenny's hopeful voice on the other end. I wanted to respond but I choked on my words, literally choking into the phone.

"May are you ok?"

"Yes," I said still coughing a bit, but when I heard her sequel on the other end, my fears were gone. She still liked me.

"I'm so glad its you! I saw you on the caller ID in my phone so, I got really excited!" she said exuberantly, I could hear someone talking in the background behind her, "May is it okay if I put you on speaker? Jake is here too."

"Yeah.." I railed off, I wasn't counting on anyone else being there. Jake had been there the day I disappeared and he was my friend too but I felt sort of nervous again. I could hear the phone click and Jenny asked if I could hear her. I answered the same way I had previously.

"I'm so glad to hear your feeling better! I was so worried you weren't going to ever see us again,"

"Yeah, I'm here," I retorted very plainly.

"One thing I don't understand though, is how he got you from under the water, you know," Jenny began, and I could hear my breathing hitch, I couln't talk about this to her, she'd blow our cover!

"Oh did I go too far?" I heard her ask, pulling me away from my mini freak out.

"Yes," was that the only thing I could say?

"I'm sorry," She apologized, and tried to continue speaking but I cut her off.

"Listen Jen, I have to go okay? I'll talk to you later," and promptly hung up the phone.

I wanted to die. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and sob until I starved to death. When had I lost the ability to function is society? When did I loose the ability to speak to someone I once called my best friend? Could I even still call her my friend after the way I had just treated her?

My boyfriend came to bed much later, hours even and I still hadn't moved. I pretend to be asleep, and so did he. We both just lay awake until He got up to get his sleeping pills, which appeared after the anti-psychotic from nowhere it seemed, and eventually feel asleep. It was my turn to stay awake, or else face endless nightmares.

I wasn't going to take that medicine. Even if it killed me.


	4. Chapter 4

My new few days were filled with sleeping on and off for short periods of time and attending collage for the fall semester. I had barely caught the deadline for sign ups, so of course I got all the crappy classes no one wanted or the ones at crazy early hours. I above all, enjoyed my painting class no matter how dead tired I was. Dei and I mostly had quiet time when we were together, or worked on homework. Truthfully college was kicking my ass harder than any ninja ever could.

On our first day of the painting class, The class was handed a canvas, one for each of us, three feet by four feet, and were told that this would be our final exam and the only canvas we would be getting for free. The professor told us that a speech would be given at the end of the class and explained what we painted on it and why, easy enough. It was certainly a shit ton of space to cover, but it could be done. The problem though, was what I was going to paint. I thought about a tree, and then maybe a city street, but that all seemed to general. There was a trick behind this I could tell, but what that trick was I had no idea.

Deidara's worst enemy was english. Sure he spoke fluently, but he was still writing his name in Japanese charters and he couldn't write a paper for shit. I tried to teach him but ended up writing most of his essays while he dictated. He'd be in trouble for the exam, because my writing sounded nothing like his and the professors were plagiarism hounds.

"I think I know what I want to be," He said I the middle of a sentence. I immediately stopped typing as that didn't really sound like part of the persuasive essay we were writing, and looked back at him. He was cross legged on the bed, I sat on his lap with the laptop in front of me on the mattress.

"And whats that?" I asked. I cared only because these were his wishes. I didn't approve of my mother and the college shoving him into picking something good.

"I want to be a pyrotechnician," He smiled.

Of course he did. Of course because that's what he loved to do, blow things up. I thought for a moment before I responded. I didn't worry about his safety, blowing shit to smithereens is what he'd been doing best since he was a kid. Best of all, that didn't sound like anything my parents tried to impose on him.

"I thought you said that your art.." I trailed off not wanting to push any buttons.

"I want to try again. I have a new muse," He nuzzled my neck with his nose and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not going to type any faster just because your being cute," I smirked and huffed, "But I do think stable jobs are sexy. Holy shit that's so kinky." I finished with a sarcastic tone. I felt his chest rumble with a small laugh.

The bags under my eyes grew darker as the days dragged on and ran together until finally I was reduced to laying sick on the sofa on a Friday night. Friday was usually date night, but Deidara was no where to be found. I figured he either didn't want to push me or didn't want to go out, and either one of those would have been fine with me. My vision blurred as my mother came into the room, I could barely make out a pill bottle.

"May, whats this?" She asked, putting one hand on her hip and using the other to hold out the bottle. I shrugged. Her scowl deepened. I head more foot steps but didn't turn to look. These steps scuffed as they picked up and my dad was the only one in the house that scuffed his feet.

"You know damn well what this is, why aren't you taking them?" she demanded, but I again shrugged.

"May this is ridicules!" she shouted, "Ridicules! You know I've let you go long enough, and I've had it!" she looked behind me at my dad and sighed. I was truly exhausted and I wasn't in the mood to fight. I made up my mind right here no matter what happened I wasn't going to argue with her. My dad must have said something or motioned or something because my mother relaxed visibly and sat down next to me. Patting my knee and smiled and I was sort of afraid then, something was up.

"May," she spoke softly, "May, you've got to take these okay? I know collage is tough and its tougher if you don't get any sleep. I can't understand why you don't want these? Its just for a little while," she explained. Acute Anxiety only lasted for a short period, and as far as I was concerned I could last the time on my own.

"Because I'm not crazy," I mocked her scowl from earlier and she sighed again.

"We know your not, we aren't saying your crazy, look, Deidara can't stay here anymore if you don't start taking your medicine," she sad firmly, her tone becoming harsher as she continued, "Your dad and I have frankly had enough of him, and this is the ultimatum."

She left the pill bottle on the coffee table and got me a glass of water before leaving the room. My dad kissed the top of my head and fallowed her out. I didn't take a single word of that seriously.

Had enough of him huh? Had enough of the guy I picked to bring home to them? The guy that saved my life? Now I certainly wasn't going to take them if she was going to be like that. I didn't turn and look as the door opened, Shep was too the door in seconds, nails clicking on the hard wood floor, but came back to lay on my feet shortly after. I felt a weigh on my shoulders and out of the corner of my eye I could see blonde hair as a pair of lips touched my cheek.

"Guess what I got hm?" He asked.

"An oversized ego?" I asked sarcastically, but he only shoved a brown paper bag into my lap. Pulling the bag away from the bottle it had inside, I found a label that read 'vodka' and not 'rum.'

"Whats this? You got the wrong kind." I said plainly, he sat down across from me on the other sofa with a cup and reached for the bottle.

"No I didn't hm," he answered as I handed him the bottle, "I don't want you to have any."

"What the fuck?" I almost yelled. Now him too? "Where he fuck did you even get that?"

"Took your car," he said very quietly and took a shot. I could only imagine the burn in his throat. I wanted that burn too.

"What the fuck?" I repeated. He shrugged.

"Don't blame me because you aren't doing like your supposed to hm," He said tipping back another shot.

"What the fuck!" I shouted. I was beyond pissed. He was supposed to be on my side! My supporter! I stood up and tried to walk out of the room but I was stopped before I could even move. Tears wracked my frame.

Why had I lost the ability to function? Why couldn't I get Madara out of my head long enough to even go to god damned sleep? I just wanted a little to drink and my own brain back! I pressed my hands to my face, but it didn't stop the tears from flowing down my face, then my arms and dripping off my elbows. Deidara wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

"What do you want May?" he whispered.

"I want to go to sleep!" I wailed, pulling my hands from my face to press it into his shoulder. I felt one of his arms move. He fished around in his pocket until he retrieved one of my tiny white pills and pressed it into the palm of my hand.

"Fuck you!" I hissed, trying my best to shove him away, though he was much bigger and heavier, and I only pushed myself off of him instead of away from me. I threw down the pill and staggered back.

"I've had enough! I thought we were supposed to help each other!" I screamed.

"I am helping you you idiot!" He shouted back, "I'm helping you the best way I know how! Making you suffer until you see!"

"That's cruel," I accused. I wanted to real back and slap him. I wanted to throw him out of our bedroom, or stab him with a throwing knife even.

"You won't respond any other way," he folded one arm and rested the other on it, putting his palm to his forehead and brushing his bangs out of his face.

"You know I didn't mind loosing everything with you every time we turned around," I started, "I didn't mind when you used me as a distraction when we were attacked or when the flames from your bombs burned my skin," I spoke in a hushed tone, this was only for his ears, "But I mind this, whatever this is."

I took myself upstairs and slammed the door to our bedroom. I wanted everyone in this house to know I was angry with him, even the dog. I could feel myself drifting in and out of sleep and it was getting harder and harder to fight it. I felt a weight on the bed that snapped me back and I was glad for that for a moment until I realized it was Deidara.

"Take your pill May," He said softly, and this time pressed the pill to my lips. I couldn't fight him anymore. I didn't have the energy to.

"He'll come for me in my dreams," I explained groggily as my eyes fluttered shut.

"No, he won't. I'm right here." The pill slipped between my lips much to my dismay and when he lifted my shoulders up and pushed a glass to my mouth much the same way, I decided I could do nothing more than swallow it.

I hated Vodka.

My eyes flicked open and I had the sudden urge to get myself a drink. Getting up, I couldn't remember where I'd fallen asleep, but this certainly wasn't my room. I didn't stand around and think about it long, my throat was literally burning from thirst. I made haste in opening the door and walking down the strange hallway to find a bathroom. This place was filled with door after door, each opened to only reveal a large king sized bed with purple sheets.

This was the same as my last dream, and Jesus Christ, I was falling into it again. I could stop my feet as I walked to the same bathroom, picking up the same purple cup and bringing it to my lips. It covered my vision the same way it had and the familiar sensation of my wet, sticky blood washed down the front of me.

This time I gasped for air, now unable to breathe as my wind pipe was severed. I felt only terror as my vision began to darken. Fear gripped me in a choke hold, terror squeezed my body until it was reduced to a shaking mess crumbling on the ground. His eyes were over me then. I could only see his god forsaken eyes. A blade rose from the shadows, shiny and silver in color and I knew he would finish me. I shut my eyes and braced myself for the end.

I waited, and waited until I felt something wet on my face. I feared it was my blood again, but when I felt no pin, I opened my eyes to find none other than Shep, My dog. Madara was gone, so was my wound, and in his place was the black Shepard.

"Shep? You little bastard un, where are you?" I heard Deidara call and Shep was gone, but he returned seconds later with my boyfriend.

Deidara had chased him away, just like he promised, and with an extended hand, my blonde lover helped me to my feet.

My eyes snapped open, my uncovered body feeling drastically cold in the autumnal air coming from my open window. The room was dark save for a little light peaking in under the shade of said window. I moaned as a head ache suddenly hit my full force. Deidara wasn't here, and that worried me. What if I was still dreaming? I tried to move my legs to get up, but Shep was on my feet. After giving the Shepard a pat on the head, I pulled my feet from under him and was quickly out the bedroom door. I looked back once to see my own black sheets on my bed.

I wanted to fly out of this room, looking for Deidara, hug him and tell him how much he meant to me. I'd said somethings I wasn't to proud of today, and saying I was sorry seemed to be the right thing to do. Shaky legs helped me to the hallway and to the top of the stairs.

"Hello?" I called.

"Down here!" I heard my mom call. I was hesitant at first. Afraid of her after that nightmare I'd just had, but I realized I was only going to get anywhere by talking to her, dream or not.

"Wheres Dei?" I called again, this time it was quiet. I felt Shep rub on my leg and I looked down to him, and then back, my mother stood at the bottom of the stairs now.

"He went up to the college. Your dad drove him," she said simply, and calmly I might add, a hand on her hip was holding a dishrag, "He had a talk with us this morning," she stated.

"What'd he say?" I asked, sort of afraid of the answer. I fidgeted under her gaze.

"A lot..' She trailed off, her eyes looking tired ad her body language told me she was deep in thought, "You know, he's not as bad as I thought he was." My mouth fell open. I must still be dreaming!

"Yeah?" I asked, quickly stepping down the stairs and fallowing her into the kitchen.

"Yeah, your dad talked to him about the other night, and I'll tell you too, don't you dare do that again, and if I hear anything more about you two...you knowing, I personally will-"

"We didn't do anything like that!" I interjected, but she rose a finger to shush me.

"I don't wanna hear about it! Anyway," she started again with a sigh, "He told us what he wanted to do, and how he was going to get it together, and just asked us accept him. It was nice, no yelling, see I told you that medicine was going to help him, I told you that-"

I stopped listening before she started to ramble. He was going to get it together? What about me? I needed to get it together too. What did I even want to do? Was I just going to blindly fallow him for the rest of my life? What kind of person would I be then? What happened to the old me? The fighter, the strong willed woman who didn't need a man to support her?

I decided then that I was going to work to get my old self back, I hated what I'd become.


	5. Chapter 5

"I think I'm gonna go away for a little while," Deidara said, early one morning as I brushed my hair near the window while he sat cross legged still in bed.

"And just where are you going to go?" I asked, looking at him with a surprised expression. I didn't take a word of that seriously, where in Gods green earth was he going to go with out me?

"I can't tell you just yet, but I promise it'll be worth it un,"

"You are not keeping secrets from me!" I nearly shouted, but he didn't say anything, just got up and left the room. I was pissed. Just what the fuck was this about?

I stomped downstairs my mother avoided me like the plague, no doubt hearing me upstairs. I ripped an apple from the bag on the counter and threw myself down on the couch. I was about half way though my apple when my mother said,

"Have you seen this?"

"Seen what?" I asked with my mouth full,

"This, its for you," before she finished speaking I stood up, curious, and walked to her. She gazed upon a small clay sculpture. A woman, plain in the sense of facial features but the creases in her cloths were perfect, as well as her hair. This was Deidara's new style, detailed in an undetailed sense. In her hands was a 'baby' that was actually my small, white pill.

Sighing, I took the pill from its placement and tipped my head back, dry swallowing it in one go. I picked up the sculpture and carried it upstairs with me, barging into my room to find my boyfriend back on the bed, the laptop in his lap.

"Whats this?" I asked, holding it out.

"Did it work?" He asked, not taking his eyes away from the screen.

"Yes, but-" I started, but he cut me off.

"Put that down and come here yeah," He interjected in the middle of my sentence, so I did as I was asked, put it down with some of the others he'd made, and joined him on the bed. He shut the laptop and scooted over ageist the wall. I sat down in my spot.

"I got accepted by a large company to learn to make fireworks. I have to leave in a few days. They've arranged for a car to come get me, and a place to stay too while I'm there," he explained. I tried to take it all in.

"They just, hired you or what?" I asked, my tone in between sad and surprised. I knew he had to go, but I was sad he had to leave, but still happy that he'd gotten this opportunity.

"Right now its an internship with a possibility for them to hire me. I sent them my placement test scores from the college, and I guess they thought that was good enough, I think they want me for a management position," he continued, but I was sort of awestruck. I knew he was smart, his placement scores were average, but the work he was doing in math and science (physics even!) at the collegic level, astounded me. He'd caught up so fast, and just as of late!

"Paid internship?" I asked. I knew my parents would never send him with our money. He nodded. I want him to stay home. I wanted him to stay where I could see him, where he could protect me. Under everything, I was still just as scared as the day I meet him. I was just as angry here as I was before I fell though the portal. I didn't want him to go, so I told him that.

"This plan backfired hm," I think he might have been upset that the news mad me sad instead of happy. I think he expected me to jump for joy or some shit, "I'm gonna go anyway. We have to move out of your parents house, I have to get a job. I don't want us to end up like I was. Without an actual home to go back to at night, and virtually no money in our pockets."

That made sense I had to admit. I was happy, at least, that his life plan included me.

"Your my princess un. I fought a long hard battle to get where I am, the least you could let me do is finish what I started yeah?" he said after sighing.

"Yeah…" I breathed. I was going to miss him. Miss the smell of his skin that nearly intoxicated me. I'd miss talking and laughing late at night, I'd miss him soothing my insecurities and calming my racing mind. Deidara cupped my cheek, I could almost feel the line pressed into his palm where the mouths would have been.

The next Saturday, a car came for him. He'd packed one of my old school bags, and we currently stood on the front poach, the bag slung over his shoulder. My father chatted with the driver of the sleek black company car as we said goodbye.

"Be good," he scolded me like child I was compared to him, and then he kissed me. This wasn't a silly teenagers kiss, or some lovely dovey, time wasting junk, he kissed me like a lover. The same kiss shared over centuries, by thousands of people, and I remembered I'd found eternity. In that moment I remembered I was happy.

As he left, it was almost like he'd turned off the light to my soul. As he got into the car, my joy packed up and left with him. My bed was never so empty as it was that night.

Sunday morning when I came down for breakfast, I found a sculpture in my usual spot at the table. For a second, I thought Deidara was home, but when my mom patted my shoulder as she brought my food, I knew it couldn't be.

"He left a bunch of these for you. I'm supposed to put your pill in them each morning. I thought it was sort of sweet," my mother said as she sat down in her spot, dumping ketchup all over her eggs. I looked down at the sculpture. It was Shep, except instead of a collar he had a little barrel around his neck like the Saint Bernards in the movies. The barrel was only partially made, because in it was my pill.

Sighing, I swallowed my pill with some orange juice, and went to picking at my food. Deidara called that night, the place was all the way in South Carolina, so our long distance call was short. He told me he was settling in well, the apartment was nice, and he was getting along good with the guys he worked with. It all made me feel sad mostly, because I wasn't there. Not even glad for him that he was doing well. I went right to sleep after his call.

The dream I had wasn't entirely unpleasant. At first I was falling though what looked like space, stars everywhere, the background looked like a galaxy print, black, blue, and purples meshed and blended around me. The fall, however, terrified me. I was falling faster and faster until I just stopped, though the feeling remained.

I took a look around, and far off, I could make out the outline of three tomes. For a terrified second, I thought this was another Madara dream, until I realized it was morphing into birds. Two of the three flew right by me, I found feel the breeze of their wings on my face as they passed, but the third, every growing bigger, was taking his time. I had to know what it was doing.

My legs compelled me ,and I waked forward, closing the distance between the bird and I. Its features became cleared and the colors faded from the background. Star after star extinguished. I meet the bird when the space around me had become completely black.

"What are you?" I uttered. This bird was my size, my height, and gold in color.

Without warning, The bird spread his wings and bust into flame. He lit from his perch in nothingness, and flew into me, not into me, as in bumping into me or knocking me over, but literally into me, though my body.

I awoke with a gasp, a warmth filling my chest. My heart bubbled with adrenaline still from the dream. I could see the sun barely climbing up from the window shade I'd left up. My clock read four AM. Calmly but quickly, I tore out of bed. I dug around in my closet until I found my canvas, the one I'd been given for my painting class, and I began my sketch.

I went though several sketches. First a bird, the phoenix from my dream, painted in warm colored flying though a cool colored sky, a girl with her arms outstretched as if she too was flying. I trashed it, thinking it looked too surreal. Next I thought of a portrait of Deidara and I, sitting closely together smiling, like some one too a picture, but that went in the maybe pile, thinking it too good to throw away.

I had a break through then, and I decided to paint myself. Just myself. Around my neck draw a simple silver ring on a chain, and my eyes, though it was not their true color, I made a bright amber. It was on an angle to the left, my were arms crossed, though your could only see my right hand and left elbow, where my scar was prominent on my upper arm. My scar was truly something to treasure. It was a symbol of my ability to get things done, by myself. It was a symbol that I was strong, I'd made it. The ring was devotion. I was devoted from this point on to three things, My relationship, my paintings, and myself. Everything else would have to get in line. My eyes were the same color as the phoenix.

At first I thought the phoenix in my dream was Deidara. I remembered when he'd come to rescue me and I ran into the flames and I thought his clay bird was the mythical bird, but it no longer represented that to me. The phoenix was hope. The phoenix was the future. It was instilled in me. I might not be happy now, I realized, but only I could ever make myself happy. I had to be the phoenix. I had to come from the unhappy ash, and make myself into something beautiful.

My day at the community college flew by, I couldn't wait to get home to the canvas. I was so excited to be able to hold a paintbrush instead of a pencil. Color over took white, section by section, My hands, arms, shirt and desk were covered in paint, all different shades blended and contrasting.

My birthday came and went, eighteen wasn't as exciting as it probably could have been. I insisted that I did not want a party, but my mother made me a cake and got me a card anyway, insisting it wasn't a party if nobody came.

The leaves were falling from the trees now. Pale greens mixed with deep red and oranges as I helped rake the yard with my dad. It was going to snow in a few weeks people continued to insist. Christmas was just around the corner they'd continue. I didn't want it to snow. I didn't want to move on with my life without Deidara.

The last day of painting at the college, the class was to present their artwork. The written exam had already been completed and it was time to move on to our canvas we'd received at the beginning of class. I walked mine confidently to the front of the class and out it up for everyone to see. My sweater covered my arm scar, and I quickly peeled it off to put it on display. It was an important part of my life, no point in hiding it.

This painting was my break though, It was a meaningful picture and I refused to allow myself be any less than proud of it.

"This is my painting, and uh," I started, feeling the eyes of the room around me, "Well, I uh, wanted to represent myself and everything that's happened to me so, I made this," I stuttered a few times as i spoke and the group clapped, as customary. I had nothing to prove to these people. They didn't need my life story and I wasn't going to give it. I took my painting and sat down. Not too bad, just awkward and unrehearsed.

As I left the lecture hall I noticed the trees were all bare. It bothered me as I drove home. The world moved on but I didn't want to. The world moved but did I have to too? I wasn't in the house a second before my mother was yelling for me. I barely got the door closed before she peaked around the door to the kitchen, the phone to her ear.

"Yes, shes right here, May! Guess who?" she smiled. For a moment I was scared it was Jenny or Jake, or another one of my friends, but as soon as I uttered a quiet hello into the phone, I lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Hello Princess," Deidara's voice sounded so smooth, like he'd actually gotten enough sleep for once because the program wasn't driving him crazy.

"Hi," I grinned. I was sure he could hear the pure joy in my voice.

"I have the most wonderful thing to tell you. I'm sending a car to come get you tomorrow hm, They hired me to work full time! I got a big enough hiring bonus to buy a house, not a real big house un, but a house," His voice sounded just as happy, the way he slurred a few of his words together made me think he'd already had a celebration drink. That was alright. Everything was alright and we'd finally be together again after so many weeks. I was almost jumping for joy.

"That's great!" I squealed. I would see him tomorrow. Tomorrow.


End file.
